We all have at least one friend, but how fulfilled are you with the depth of that friendship? Many people are not satisfied with the friendships they have and want more. Sometimes we assume friends can read our minds and we get hurt when they can’t. Are we left unsatisfied because we lose friends as we change locations or find new jobs? Is it that we have not recognized that friendships change every 7 years?

I sat down with Shasta Nelson (right), CEO of GirlFriendCircles.com, author of “Friendships Don’t Just Happen” and “Frientimacy.” Nelson’s work is inspired by her realization that women could go online to find romance, jobs and apartments yet found themselves saying, “How do I find friends as an adult?”
As a young kid there is a norm to meet another kid and say, “Want to be friends?” and actually start interacting with your new best friend with a smile from ear to ear. As adults, forging friendships gets a little more complicated. I asked Nelson more about advice and suggestions on dealing with friendships.

Q. What is GirlFriendCircles.com?
A: When one has a life change, retiring, divorcing or all your friends are getting married, there are so many reasons in life where we often need to make new friends. So this website is a place where you can go online and make friends that also want to make friends in your local community.

Q: How many cities is this in?
A: 65 cities in the U.S. and Canada.

Q: What is friendship?
A: Frientimacy: being able to actively practice the vulnerable behaviors with another person. Being able to show up and engage in those behaviors. It matters what actions we practice with them that determines what positive friendship we build.

Q: Many people have a daily routine, so what advice do you give to those that are stepping out of their routine and attending SXSW, where 35,000 people will be, on building friendships?
A: Two different distinctions: first, the difference of being friendly and second, developing a friendship.

At SXSW one is friendly with everyone. To find commonality you ask questions and are open to meeting people. The behaviors of us saying we are here to make the best of it is… being friendly.

Friendship… beyond that one time at SXSW we met, if we never see them again an important action is who we follow up with after SXSX. If there are people who we meet at SXSW, where there are over 35,000 people, and say, “Wow! I would love to stay in contact with this person,” then it is important to take action. Who we follow up with, exchange enough information that when you leave you know how to connect with them. This step sounds so easy but actually it is so hard. Most of us drop the ball at this step. We must reach out to each other. Lets make the best of it vs. be mindful of who you want to keep in touch with and keep in touch.

Q: How important is listening in a friendship?
A: Listening is extremely important. We live in a world where learning to ask for what we need is almost a more significant skill. We live were we are trying to listen which keeps us guessing what the other person might need or want. It is nice to get to place to tell each other what we want and need and to know that that the other person doesn’t have to read our minds. Interacting with friends and learning how to ask for what we need is lowering the odds of being disappointed. It’s our responsibility, a lot of people might think that it makes it less genuine if we have to ask, but I completely disagree.

Q: Have you heard of any testimonials of women on GirlFriendCircles.com and you kind of told yourself and I am extremely happy that I started this and it’s working so great for these women?
A: So gratifying, there are certainly many things I wish I could improve about the website and maybe come up with more enhancements but it is working. Over 80% of women that join can attend 2 or more of attendee circles matching events that we do. To have women come up to me, “We are best friends now because we met on your site three years ago,” I get that so much more now, and my heart goes, “Oh my gosh!” It makes me so happy, it’s so gratifying. But of course the credit goes to the women.

As many people change jobs, graduate college and move to new cities friends might not be in the next room down. So how do you handle friendships that are long distance?

Q: What advice do you have on how to continue a friendship when it’s long distance?
A: First, recognize that relationships ebb and flow. Research shows that every 7 years who we are close to changes. Half of our close friends will be different 7 years from now. Part of it is that when we move away from someone we recognize that that friendship does not have to end. It might just bounce back to a different place, and hopefully if we have a strong foundation it can later be picked up where we left off.

Is it a relationship that I want and can support it on an every day basis? If it’s yes, then how can the both of us chose to stay in touch regularly enough so that our relationship doesn’t go down to only updating each other every once in a while? Part of it is being okay with it and realizing that we cannot stay close with every single person all the time from where we used to live and have the relational energy and time to be putting it into making new friends.

“Biggest step: I love her, but it’s going to change, grief and loss. If you are really close, that doesn’t just happen. It takes both people to want to make an effort because friendship is important to them.”

When and Where:
Friday, March 11
12:30PM – 1:00PM
Austin Convention Center – Room 10AB/ 531 E 4th St

Find out more: Intimacy Gap: Three Essentials for Friendship